Writing has always been hard for me. I'm learning over time that writing is just hard - for everyone.  That makes sense because it takes mental energy to write.

But for the last few years, I've been afraid to write.  I can sit down in front of my laptop ready to write and then start doing something else.  

 I want to write, but I'm afraid to write because I fear it's not good enough.  

Maybe the people who criticized me and my writing over the years have finally got to me emotionally.  Maybe it's looking at other people's writing and thinking my writing sucks.  It's even crept into my sermon writing, where I fear it won't make sense. I don't know- all I know is that for a few months, I've been scared to death to write.

So, I'm trying to use my micro blog to force myself to write, even a little bit.  I need to write even if I think it's a piece of shit.  I need to write even if no one will ever see it.

So, I hope to write here if not every day, every few days in order to get back on the horse and write.  Because I need to.

If you want to know where religion, politics and culture intersect, check out Church and Main. My latest episode talks about the theology of digital ministry. Click the link below.

A Theology of Digital Ministry with Jim Keat | Episode 200

It’s been a while since I’ve been on Microblog.  I wanted to invite people to listen and subscribe to Church and Main.  This is a podcast that talks about the intersection of faith and modern life.  I just finished taping an episode on looiking beyond colorblindness and anti-racism and finding a better way to talk about race in America.  Click on the link below to start listening to the podcast.

Church and Main Podcast

testing out the mars writer.

From Twitter: I’ve been thinking a lot about the question , on why we don’t build things anymore. But it’s not just about why we don’t build things. Why don’t we build institutions anymore? I’ve been thinking about why especially Mainline Protestant denominations don’t see interested in starting new churches. But from a sociological standpoint, churches help build social capital and can make a difference in society. We used to “build” civic organizations like churches, but we’ve stopped. Why? I think not building these places where people are formed and molded into citizens means you end up with mob rule and societies run by petty tyrants. I keep thinking that Trump is the example of someone that was never touched by any institution that could form him and teach him. There is an essay (maybe a podcast) here. I think the lack of builders in both the physical and organizational worlds is dangerous to our society and weakens our democracy.

We don't tend to build much in America anymore per Marc Andreeson's article at the start of the COVID pandemic.

Andreesson quote: "The problem is desire. We need to *want* these things. The problem is inertia. We need to want these things more than we want to prevent these things. The problem is regulatory capture. We need to want new companies to build these things, even if incumbents don’t like it, even if only to force the incumbents to build these things. And the problem is will. We need to build these things."

The move from innovation to efficiency is also a factor. From the National Review:

But in the 1970s, businesses turned their eyes from innovation to efficiency. As the post-war boom came to an end and American firms faced increased foreign competition (particularly from Japan), they resorted to cost-cutting and financial engineering in order to stay competitive. Though innovation and efficiency are not mutually exclusive, research and development — especially breakthrough, early-stage research — decreases profit margins in the short term. 

How does this relate to the church?

I need to apologize. Some of you have said hi to me and I didn’t respond. For some reason, I was never alerted when you responded, so I am sorry. I wasn’t trying to blow you off.

It’s funny how a number mean so much.

Ever since I turned 50 last October, I’ve been wondering if I am where I should be.  What I mean is, am I doing serious work for serious pay?  Am I even acting like a serious adult?

I’ve been dealing with those questions a lot over the last few months, but they went into overdrive after my most recent loss of a job in June.  When you are let go of a job, and that has happened to me a lot, you deal with a lot of guilt.  I know that my ADHD has something to do with my tumultuous career, but I think I should have tried harder.  In the past, I used to think it was all about trying harder. But that’s not going to change things. 

But when you have a neurological disability AND you’re fifty, you start to wonder if it’s time to try something new.

Now, I should add, I love the other part of my career, that of being a pastor.  It’s not always easy, but I love what I do in that arena.  But the pay right now isn’t enough to pay my way.  I also want to do more than the pastor gig.

Usually, when I’ve lost a job, I’m looking at the job boards.  I’ve focused mostly on nonprofits to find a position.  But when you’re neurodiverse, working at a nonprofit is not always the best environment to be in.  They don’t have the time or patience to work with you, and sometimes they don’t have the space to allow you to be creative.  None of this is to say nonprofits are bad or the ones where I worked were bad.  They just weren’t places where I could grow, or grow in my own way. Friends have given me job leads at nonprofits, but I haven’t been that interested. I’ve been burned too many times and I just don’t want to deal with the drama anymore.

I’ve started to toy with looking for work sideways.  Instead of looking for a job and sending in a resume, I’m looking at more freelance positions and I’m interested in positions and opportunities that are off the beaten path.  I have enough communication skills to be able to hire myself out.  I can write, I’m good with graphics and these last few months of online worship, sharpened my video editing skills.

I could see myself doing some freelancing, writing about politics or religion, or maybe cars.  I could also work on websites and social media strategy.  I’ve been interested in working on a team that produces a podcast or even create a podcast or YouTube Channel. Or maybe start my own YouTube Channel

The challenge is trying to start.  Most people say I have to do a lot of networking, which to be honest I really, hate.  I know it is needed, but it feels fake to me.  I also have to learn how to be a salesperson, which is also something I don’t like. I will have to learn how to do both in a way that I can tolerate. I’ve started doing this, but so far it hasn’t been that successful. I guess it takes time. I’ve been doing some communication work filling in for someone at a local church and I really like it. I would love to do that at another church, if that is possible. But I am open to other experiences if it feeds my soul. Because that’s what I want to do now. I’m tired of just taking a job and hope for the best. The best hasn’t happened yet. I usually get treated like shit.

So turning 50 (which is now 51) might mean doing something new. Heck, I might find a “regular” job but find it in a different way.

If you know of any avenues I should give a look-see, please let me know.  Advice helps as well. You can send me an email at dennis.sanders@ gmail.com or just respond to this message. Off to find a new adventure.

I've had an interest in writing/journalism since I was about 11 and started my own class newspaper in 6th grade. I love writing.  It's been the way that I process the world. For a guy on the autism spectrum, writing is heaven.  

But writing hasn't always loved me back.

Actually it isn't writing that hasn't loved me back, it's people. Most people are able to get into writing/journalism/communications through the help of others.  Someone allows them to get into the field and they grow from there. 

But I didn't really have an advocate or mentor.  I had to make my own way-picking up whatever scraps to get into some writing.  Maybe it's because I'm African American, maybe it was being on the spectrum, maybe it was both or neither, but for whatever reason, I've always felt locked out of the job market.In college, I wanted to get involved with the college newspaper.  There were openings for copywriters and I thought this was my chance.  I went to the offices and ended up talking to the publisher.  Even though I knew a friend got a job there, they told me there were no jobs.  This didn't happen just once, but twice.  The second time another friend got a copywriting position and said they were looking for people.  But they weren't looking for me.

That was over 30 years ago.  In the proceeding three decades, I've learned to set aside my dreams to be a journalist, because it seemed all the time that there was always a barrier that kept me out.  I didn't totally give up writing, though.  I started blogging and people love my blogging, but it hasn't gone farther than that.  I've tried submitting blog articles mostly on politics and more often than not, they are rejected.  Other writers get their stories published on known websites and their writing is not always any better than mine.  

I've worked in nonprofits doing communications, but I've learned how often nonprofits tend to be places where you have to fit a certain way of doing things.  Being neurodiverse, it is hard for me to try to "fit in."  Past experiences have made me think to be successful in what I enjoy, I have to learn to fit it to learn to be normal.  You see, I've never been that normal.  I've always been odd. Not crazy, just odd. The thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I'm not normal. I am weird.  Most people have never accepted my quirks and weirdness.  Most businesses and nonprofits don't want weird or odd, they want normal.  

Even when I got my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, I still wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be like everyone else.   I kept failing in job after job, because I needed to be normal. 

F*** normal.

At the age of 50 and after a painful firing, I've come to the conclusion that I won't ever be normal, so why keep trying?  I'm a weird writer and that's okay.  I never going to be a "normal" writer, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good writer who just happens to be odd. For a long time, I've felt I've had to enter into the front door for writers.  But being odd, kinda like a clown, I have to enter by the side door.  I've been writing on Medium for a while and made a little money from it.  I'm starting to wonder if I can strike out on my own, doing stories on Medium and maybe later for other publications. I'm also looking into starting other publications to get my writing out.  I will find ways to get paid, but the big thing is that I've stopped trying to be normal and enter in the front door.  Time put on my clown nose and go into the side door.  

Usually, when I’ve lost a job, I’m looking at the job boards. I’ve focused mostly on nonprofits to find a position. But when you’re on the spectrum, working at a nonprofit is not always the best environment to be in. They don’t have the time or patience to work with you, and sometimes they don’t have the space to allow you to be creative. None of this is to say nonprofits are bad or the ones where I worked were bad. They just weren’t places where I could grow, or grow in my own way.

A recent musing I had.  I’m looking for work (again). For those who live in the Twin Cities (Minnesota) if you know of someone in need of a writer or media specialist, please let me know by emailing me at dennis.sanders@gmail.com. Thanks.

March 11, 2020. That was when the world changed.

I was heading home from church after leading a Bible Study. I pulled the car into the garage when I felt my watch. That meant the watch was trying to tell me something. I looked and that’s when everything changed. A news alert from the Washington Post said that the NBA’s season was going to be suspended because a player on the Utah Jazz tested positive for COVID-19.

Maybe you had a different moment, but it all boils down to the belief that life had changed. We hit an inflection point that split the world between before and after. Just like September 11th, or the assassination of John F. Kennedy, we know this is a moment when everything changes.

Keep reading…

Suffering, the book of Job and the death of Neil Peart.

One of my most memorable experiences in seminary was taking a class on the book of Job. That book has always fascinated me in the fact that Job loses so much in what seems like a short period. He loses his fortune and more tragically, he loses his children and his health. His friends came by and they all have a debate on why all of this was happening. Did he do something wrong? Where was God in all of this? Why did this happen?

There was a tragic sense of irony in that the professor who taught us had to deal with the death of his wife after a long illness during the class. As we were learning about Job’s questioning, the professor had to face his own tragedy as well.

I’ve been thinking about the “hows and whys” we all deal with in our lives. Why did he get cancer? Why did she die? Why did they lose their baby? We can’t help but ask why tragedies happen and no matter what, we wonder why bad things happen to you and the people close to you.

Read more…

It has been sometime since I wrote something on autism/aspergers, partially because I didn't have anything I wanted to write. But I stumbled accross an article on Facebook that reminds me of the situation that I face on daily basis.

It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. When I got the diagnosis, I was relieved. It was something I could hang all of the difficulties I faced as an adult in relationships and employment. I was hoping that I could explain to my employers what was happening with me and that they would understand.

Boy was I wrong.

The problem with having High Functioning Autism is that you don't look like you have autism. I can "pass" well enough for people to think I don't really have any issues. But that's not true. A recent article on the challenges those of us with High Functioning Autism face explains:

If the media is to believed, the high end of the autism spectrum is peopled largely by eccentric geniuses—Bill Gates and Albert Einstein are often mentioned, along with Dan Aykroyd and Daryl Hannah—who by and large do very well indeed, though they march to the beat of their own drummer. The reality, however, is that "high functioning autistic" and "genius," "business tycoon," and "Hollywood star" rarely go together...They may also have significant challenges which stand in the way of living a comfortable life, succeeding in work or romance, or achieving a sense of self-worth. Those issues are made more challenging, in part, because they surprise and upset others who don't anticipate odd behaviors or reactions from people who "pass for normal" in many situations...

While people with more severe autism are not generally expected to just suck it up and get through difficult moments, people on the higher end of the spectrum are expected to do just that...

Lastly, people with high functioning autism are, in general, very aware of their own difficulties and extremely sensitive to others' negative reactions.

I've experienced this situation over and over. I can work to try to fix my mistakes, I can go over and above to show that I can do my work well and at the end of the day, it is not enough. I am told things that sometimes cut to the heart, even though you know that you've tried to be the best worker in spite of my shortcomings. But you have to suck it up and try to function even though you've been shamed and told that you aren't a good worker. The thing is, you can try as hard as you can and at the end of the day, it. is. not. enough.

You have to suck it up, because you don't look autistic. Which means that people don't take your autism to account. Instead you are looked at like a giant f**kup.

And when your high functioning autism isn't taken seriously, it affects you in future situations. Work becomes a place where you are waiting for someone to point out a mistake you made and then, you overreact, fearing that it's all downhill from here. You end up not trusting people, because you fear them- you fear they will judge you and that your job will be in jeporady.

So, work becomes a minefield, one that can become of your own making.

What I would like to see from people at work not just for me, but for anyone with high functioning autism is to stop assuming things. As Ashlea McKay notes:

Don’t think because I’m a successful adult female that communicates verbally that my existence is ‘mild’ or that I ‘don’t seem that autistic’ to you. That is insulting to both me and every other autistic person on the planet. I know you’re just trying to understand and have probably heard a number of things about autism over the years, but instead of assuming what it means to be autistic, just ask.

If someone tells you they are autistic, ask a damn question as to how you can help them be the best employee. Don't assume. Don't just automatically go to belittling them. Sometimes people are just not good employees, but sometimes we just need help and encouragement.

One thing that I am learning over time is that I need to be willing to advocate for myself. Simply telling folk isn't enough. At times I might need to politely push back. Because I think sometimes people don't understand things unless they are hit metaphorically by a 2x4.

So, when an employee tells you that they are autistic, talk to them. Learn all you can about autism and how to be a good manager to them. Just because they appear "normal"doesn't mean you can treat them as normal.

The following is an excerpt from an essay on the Impeachment of Donald Trump and the role of truth and story in authoritarian societies. 

Humans need stories. We need something that can give facts meaning. It’s also a way of remembering. I can remember a history teacher that told World History in story form. He made all of these facts come alive and create memories that I still carry with me nearly four decades later.

Americans are a storied people. We have stories about how we came to be a nation and what matters to us as a nation. We remember the stories of the Revolution. We remember what it meant to be independent and to create a land where all were created equal.

The stories are never perfect. America wasn’t a place where all were created equal. For many years, African Americans were slaves. Women couldn’t vote. But the people who fought for equality remembered the story and forced us to remember the story. That made us who we are today.

The American story includes the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. That story shows how later Americans tried to be true to the story. Abraham Lincoln tried to keep the story going even when part of the nation wanted to leave the story behind. Martin Luther King forced the nation to see how we weren’t living up to the story and we decided to be true to the words.

People from all over the world came to our nation, enticed by the story. All came looking for a better life and the story told them America was for them as well.

America is a story. The truth of who we are is embodied in our story.

But there are also counterstories.

Read the Whole Story.

When California Gov. Gavin Newsom said that that the extension of the Golden State’s high-speed rail project to Los Angeles was being postponed indefinitely, conservatives and libertarians piped up with the same hate on trains. It seems that whenever the word trains or light rail is used, more often than not the phrase “boondoggle” will follow. People drag out statistics showing how rail is not cost-effective. When conservatives get in power, any money geared towards a rail project is canceled.
The question I’ve always had is, why? What is it about putting a vehicle on a track that sends most folks on the center-right into orbit?

Read more…

For a long time, I always felt like I was treated differently. People never got close to me. People were friendly, but I was always kept at an arm's length. I used to wonder what was going on with me. Was it because I'm black? Over the last ten years or so, I've learned that race was not the reason people weren't getting so close to me. It was because I'm autistic.

One of the things you learn about being autistic is how socially isolating it can be. You don't feel close to anyone. People don't always go out of your way to get to know you. You start to wonder if you are doing something wrong. It's already a task to get to know others even though that is what you want. You are afraid at times of talking to others because of this fear that you are going say something wrong. When you are in a conversation with someone, you have to think of things to talk about and even though it might be a good conversation, you want to stop this talk because it feels like there is so much you have to do be a good conversation partner and not some freak.

I've learned that the issue is that people tend to be uncomfortable around autistic people- which makes social isolation even worse:

Autistics make other people uncomfortable, and we do this almost instantly upon meeting. In my communications classes, I teach about the 50 to 500 milliseconds during which most people develop first impressions. These impressions are difficult, nearly impossible, to counteract with evidence and familiarity.

Knowing us doesn’t undo the initial discomfort of meeting us. That is the cost of autism.

This paragraph from a person on Reddit puts the issue in stark relief:

I am socialised to show "support" for autistic people or I'll face backlash. So here is me, and my true off my chest. You cannot force social change or change me by down voting me here.

I do not want to be friends with them. I do not want to date them. I don't want to sit next to them on the bus or metro. I don't want them as my colleague. I don't want them as my neighbors.

Their actions can get disturbing and scary. From pushing people on the metro (yes I recognised the autistic children because of their school uniform), grabbing my hair (I happen to pass by a stop near a school for autistic children, it was really out of the blue) and making weird noise and hand gestures.

I also dated one once (didnt know he was autistic, we met online) and his lack of facial expressions is scary. Never mind dating etiquette, dating should be fun and all I felt was I am holding on to a robot with emotions and feelings....But the face is neutral and fixed.

I am sorry. You can hate me but you cannot change me. I'll continue being a "bad human being" until I feel safe around autistic people.

Having autism means that making friendships, having connections with people is always a fraught exercise, and that has reprecussions in life. For example, some statistics say that only about 14 percent of individuals on the spectrum have jobs. One of the reasons that number might be so low is because of the difficulty of "connecting" with people. Interviews are as much about what kind of chemistry you have with the interviewer as it is about skills. When you are in the job, having a relationship with your supervisors and workmates can make the difference between getting a promotion or getting fired.

It shows itself in other ways. I've engaged people in fundraising over the years for churches and other groups I'm apart of. No matter how persuasive my writing is, the end result is always few if any donations. It's not that people don't like me, but asking for people to part with their money means you have to be able to make a connection with them. I know all the technical skills of writing a persuasive letter, how to present the request visually, but if I don't have the "people skills" needed to make it happen then paraphrasing a passage from the Bible, I'm a clanging gong or loud cymbal."

Can any of this change? Can I become learn now behavior that can make me more social and someone that doesn't make people uncomfortable. The study which started this off would say that people need to be more accepting of the other ways people present themselves socially. Is that going to happen? I don't know. What I do know is that the study seems to say that even before I go into that interview,or meet that new friend, people have already scanned me and made a decision.

I think at the end of the day, all I can do is try. That's frustrating and it will not improve my situation. I guess you have to learn how to deal with rejection and learn how to move on.

As church was finishing up today, I felt a sense of frustration kick up again.  I’ve been blessed to be the pastor at First Christian for over six years. It’s been a good few years, but there is always a frustration: we haven’t really grown in numbers over the years. People come to the church, and more often than not, they say they want to start coming on a regular basis.  

And then they never come back.

The most recent was a family that was showing up.  The father said positive things about the church, but they haven’t returned since the spring.  I keep wondering what have I done wrong.  Did I say or do the wrong thing? Is it the size of the church that scares people away?  

I keep feeling that this is all my fault.  Other pastors are able to get people to visit their churches, and I wonder why that doesn’t happen to me.

My technical mind thinks I need to do something.  A better website, become open and affirming, get a good sign outside.  But that’s not why people come to church. 

People from the neighborhood don’t come.  Is it because we are diverse?  Are they weirded out by an African American pastor? 

Maybe at the end of the day it doesn’t matter.  But it’s hard not to think I’m doing something wrong or that I’m cursed or something.

I would like to see this church grow.  How does that happen?  Some will say leave it up to God and others will say it is all about how the church welcomes people.  Which is the right one?

All I can do is pray to God and hope that God will speak to me in someway.  

I miss writing.

That's not totally true.  It's not that I don't write anymore, but somewhere along the way writing stopped being fun.  I can remember back a decade ago when I could easily sit down and write some smart take on the news of the day or something that was bothering me about church.  I got excited writing about anything and felt empowered when I put hand to laptop.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point in the last few years, I ended up losing the will to write.  I still wrote things and they were they've been pretty good examples of my work.  But I've learned over the years that people can steal your voice.  For whatever reason, people can come and attack you damaging your spirit in the process.  You kind of need that spirit to really write.  It's something you have to learn to protect your spirit from the people in life that want to use fear to keep you from expressing yourself.  

I didn't do that.  I didn't do it, because like many folk on the autism spectrum, I tend to have a more innocent view of people.  I want to believe that people are good and don't want to do things to hurt me.  But the fact is, there are people that see vulnerable people like myself and bully them into submission.  It happened so many times, that I became shellshocked.  I was afraid that whatever I wrote was going to be attacked in the most emotionally damaging way possible. 

When you get beat up like that so many times, it becomes harder and harder to write, because you end up second-guessing your words.  How can I write in a way that won't get the bully to hurt me again? Writing stops being this way to express yourself and more of a chore.  You end up where I'm at now, just not feeling excited about writing anymore.  

Part of me feels I should just snap out of it.  One person should not be able to inflict such damage to ones soul.  But I know that a damaged "heart" is a real thing.  

I want to recapture that lost spirit.  I want heal and be able to allow my mind to think of new thoughts without wondering who I'm going to piss off today. 

I think it will happen in time.  I don't need to force this, it will happen.  Just being able to write this helps.  

"What’s happening with Sears is a microcosm of what people think is happening in America. It is harder and harder to maintain a middle-class life, while those who are blessed with riches, tend to find ways to risk other people’s lives. They want the glory as long as they escape the cross."

read more

I’ve had this problem for years, but never really thought about it until now.  

The problem is I have trouble reading.  It’s not that I can’t read, I can do that rather well.  But when it comes to reading books or articles, it can become a chore.  The words start to lose any sense of meaning and I tend to not comprehend the reading.  The other thing that can happen is that I lose focus on reading.  Even if the book has my attention, I get antsy and can focus.  So I end up reading for no more than a half hour. This happens on a spectrum; some books are easier to read than others.  More modern books tend to be a little bit easier to consume, but the older the book and the more “thick” the book is, the harder it is to read. For example, when I was in seminary, you have to read a  bunch of theologians. I was excited to be reading these books, but most of them were hard reads.  Theologians like Barth and Tillich were a bit easier to read, but others like Friedrich Schleiermacher, were just impossible to read and comprehend.

I’ve been wondering if there is a link between being on the autism spectrum, which I am, and reading.  I’ve tried to find anything online about reading and autism, but there is very little information.  I did find this abstract from the National Institutes on Health that is somewhat helpful.  I’ve wondered if I’m dyslexic, but I’m not sure.  What I do know is that it can be frustrating to hear someone say they read something from the Federalist Papers and I want to read it, but I know that it will be nigh unto impossible for me to read.

What I would love is to find ways that would help me to read and comprehend.  As hard as it is, I love to read. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them.

I’m turning 50 this year and that has led me to start thinking about my life so far. One of things I’m thinking about is employment, more specifically, how tenuous employment has been in my life.  More than once, I have been laid off from a job.  I had a side job last summer where I was let go and wasn’t given a heads up that this was happening. I had no time to plan. I have work right now (two part-time jobs), but I am in need of finding some freelance work in order to make ends meet and that has been difficult. Finding work has always been difficult for me.  I sometimes wonder if it’s me. What I do know is that more often than not, I’ve felt like my work, my talents were disposable. 

About three years ago, I wrote something about my feelings about race and employment.  I don’t always want to think that everything is about race and I don’t want to become bitter, holding on to some excuse. 

I’m sharing this article here for people to read.  I pray that in the future I can be able to see myself as having agency.

Today was a hard day emotionally for me.  Something good that happened to someone triggered a feeling of shame.  This person had not always treated me well and did things that made me feel ashamed. 

In the 10-plus years that I have been aware of being autistic, I’ve learned how much people with autism deal with shame.  Now there is a difference between guilt and shame.  Luna Lindsey describes the difference between the two:

The first is that shame is related to your social position, while guilt is a personal feeling. That is, shame requires your sense of relation to others – you have done something and others are exerting pressure on you to stop. OR, if they don’t know what you’ve done, you are afraid they will find out because if they did, they would exert pressure on you. Whereas guilt is the knowledge that you’ve done something wrong, and you feel remorse and a desire to correct the behavior regardless of whether anyone else knows about it.
The second difference is perhaps the most enlightening. Guilt is about what you have done; shame is about who you are. Guilt is, “I have done something bad”. Shame is “I am bad”.

That is what I’ve been dealing with today: the feeling not that I’ve done something bad, but that I am bad.  I can put myself back at this very traumatic event and remember hearing the cutting words that made me feel that I am this horrible person.  Whenever I get this feeling, all I want someone to do is tell me that I’m good.

Having Aspergers or Autism, makes these feelings even stronger, especially because of the problems with social interactions. Here’s Lindsey again:

Putting in the effort to avoid these mistakes only works for so long. Because I have Asperger’s. I will miss social cues. Sometimes, everyone misses the social cues, but I have had a lifetime of doing so.
What may be the even more important distinction, I don’t have the skills to recover from social mistakes. I can’t gracefully apologize or flatter or smile my way out of trouble. I’m usually still stuck on Step 1: flabbergasted, trying to understand where I went wrong.
For those of us on the spectrum, this is normal. We live life in the face of continual negative social feedback and the constant making of incomprehensible mistakes. And it is here where the dangers of shame lurk. Where no matter how many times I tell myself how wonderful and likable and lovable I am, I still find myself on those dark nights hating myself. Because I’d done it again.
It is very easy to feel like nothing I do will improve my ability to be acceptable. After trying so hard and making so many mistakes, eventually I can’t help but think of myself as intrinsically broken.
This topic is particularly important. I hope healing professionals and researchers will look into it on a scientific level and counsel their ASD clients accordingly. But it’s possible they won’t for a long time. 

What I have to do is remember all the good things I have done and as a Christian, knowing my worth in the eyes of God.  I also know it is time to start seeing a therapist again. 

This will pass, but for a time it will hurt like hell.

I wanted to write a post that shared all of the posts I’ve written so far about the downfall of Sears and KMart. Long story short, Sears is not crumbling because of Amazon, but because of one man, Eddie Lampert the former CEO, and his decisions which put the company in bankruptcy and at the edge of liquidation.

I’m planning on writing something about Sears and how Lampert has to deal with the Pension Benefit Guarantee Corporation and their fear that Lampert will leave many employees with no pensions. He has also managed to become an issue in the 2020 Presidential campaign.

Below are the stories so far:

Why Amazon Should Buy Sears (January 2019)

Can Sears and Kmart Come Back from the (Near) Dead? (October 2018)

Death Without Dignity: The End of Kmart (April 2017)

With all the talk about raising taxes on the rich, there is this poll from Fox News that says that even a fair amount of Republicans support raising taxes on the rich. Jerry Taylor of the Niskanen Center talks about how to connect this belief with the GOP establishment, which according to the Washington Post story on this, is only interested in listening to more economically conservative lobbyists that want tax cuts.

I'm a bit skeptical about this. If the base was wanting taxes on the rich, for some reason, I'd think we would hear more from the base demanding it.

I tend to think taxes should be raised especially on the rich, but if we are going to fund things like health care and other government programs, you are going to have to widen the tax base. Simply taxing the super-rich isn't enough. I would rather support something closer to how people are taxed in Scandinavian countries where the taxes are high, but also somewhat flatter and more broad.