I miss writing.
That's not totally true. It's not that I don't write anymore, but somewhere along the way writing stopped being fun. I can remember back a decade ago when I could easily sit down and write some smart take on the news of the day or something that was bothering me about church. I got excited writing about anything and felt empowered when I put hand to laptop.
But I don't feel that way anymore. I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point in the last few years, I ended up losing the will to write. I still wrote things and they were they've been pretty good examples of my work. But I've learned over the years that people can steal your voice. For whatever reason, people can come and attack you damaging your spirit in the process. You kind of need that spirit to really write. It's something you have to learn to protect your spirit from the people in life that want to use fear to keep you from expressing yourself.
I didn't do that. I didn't do it, because like many folk on the autism spectrum, I tend to have a more innocent view of people. I want to believe that people are good and don't want to do things to hurt me. But the fact is, there are people that see vulnerable people like myself and bully them into submission. It happened so many times, that I became shellshocked. I was afraid that whatever I wrote was going to be attacked in the most emotionally damaging way possible.
When you get beat up like that so many times, it becomes harder and harder to write, because you end up second-guessing your words. How can I write in a way that won't get the bully to hurt me again? Writing stops being this way to express yourself and more of a chore. You end up where I'm at now, just not feeling excited about writing anymore.
Part of me feels I should just snap out of it. One person should not be able to inflict such damage to ones soul. But I know that a damaged "heart" is a real thing.
I want to recapture that lost spirit. I want heal and be able to allow my mind to think of new thoughts without wondering who I'm going to piss off today.
I think it will happen in time. I don't need to force this, it will happen. Just being able to write this helps.