The following is an excerpt from an essay on the Impeachment of Donald Trump and the role of truth and story in authoritarian societies. 

Humans need stories. We need something that can give facts meaning. It’s also a way of remembering. I can remember a history teacher that told World History in story form. He made all of these facts come alive and create memories that I still carry with me nearly four decades later.

Americans are a storied people. We have stories about how we came to be a nation and what matters to us as a nation. We remember the stories of the Revolution. We remember what it meant to be independent and to create a land where all were created equal.

The stories are never perfect. America wasn’t a place where all were created equal. For many years, African Americans were slaves. Women couldn’t vote. But the people who fought for equality remembered the story and forced us to remember the story. That made us who we are today.

The American story includes the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. That story shows how later Americans tried to be true to the story. Abraham Lincoln tried to keep the story going even when part of the nation wanted to leave the story behind. Martin Luther King forced the nation to see how we weren’t living up to the story and we decided to be true to the words.

People from all over the world came to our nation, enticed by the story. All came looking for a better life and the story told them America was for them as well.

America is a story. The truth of who we are is embodied in our story.

But there are also counterstories.

Read the Whole Story.

When California Gov. Gavin Newsom said that that the extension of the Golden State’s high-speed rail project to Los Angeles was being postponed indefinitely, conservatives and libertarians piped up with the same hate on trains. It seems that whenever the word trains or light rail is used, more often than not the phrase “boondoggle” will follow. People drag out statistics showing how rail is not cost-effective. When conservatives get in power, any money geared towards a rail project is canceled.
The question I’ve always had is, why? What is it about putting a vehicle on a track that sends most folks on the center-right into orbit?

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For a long time, I always felt like I was treated differently. People never got close to me. People were friendly, but I was always kept at an arm's length. I used to wonder what was going on with me. Was it because I'm black? Over the last ten years or so, I've learned that race was not the reason people weren't getting so close to me. It was because I'm autistic.

One of the things you learn about being autistic is how socially isolating it can be. You don't feel close to anyone. People don't always go out of your way to get to know you. You start to wonder if you are doing something wrong. It's already a task to get to know others even though that is what you want. You are afraid at times of talking to others because of this fear that you are going say something wrong. When you are in a conversation with someone, you have to think of things to talk about and even though it might be a good conversation, you want to stop this talk because it feels like there is so much you have to do be a good conversation partner and not some freak.

I've learned that the issue is that people tend to be uncomfortable around autistic people- which makes social isolation even worse:

Autistics make other people uncomfortable, and we do this almost instantly upon meeting. In my communications classes, I teach about the 50 to 500 milliseconds during which most people develop first impressions. These impressions are difficult, nearly impossible, to counteract with evidence and familiarity.

Knowing us doesn’t undo the initial discomfort of meeting us. That is the cost of autism.

This paragraph from a person on Reddit puts the issue in stark relief:

I am socialised to show "support" for autistic people or I'll face backlash. So here is me, and my true off my chest. You cannot force social change or change me by down voting me here.

I do not want to be friends with them. I do not want to date them. I don't want to sit next to them on the bus or metro. I don't want them as my colleague. I don't want them as my neighbors.

Their actions can get disturbing and scary. From pushing people on the metro (yes I recognised the autistic children because of their school uniform), grabbing my hair (I happen to pass by a stop near a school for autistic children, it was really out of the blue) and making weird noise and hand gestures.

I also dated one once (didnt know he was autistic, we met online) and his lack of facial expressions is scary. Never mind dating etiquette, dating should be fun and all I felt was I am holding on to a robot with emotions and feelings....But the face is neutral and fixed.

I am sorry. You can hate me but you cannot change me. I'll continue being a "bad human being" until I feel safe around autistic people.

Having autism means that making friendships, having connections with people is always a fraught exercise, and that has reprecussions in life. For example, some statistics say that only about 14 percent of individuals on the spectrum have jobs. One of the reasons that number might be so low is because of the difficulty of "connecting" with people. Interviews are as much about what kind of chemistry you have with the interviewer as it is about skills. When you are in the job, having a relationship with your supervisors and workmates can make the difference between getting a promotion or getting fired.

It shows itself in other ways. I've engaged people in fundraising over the years for churches and other groups I'm apart of. No matter how persuasive my writing is, the end result is always few if any donations. It's not that people don't like me, but asking for people to part with their money means you have to be able to make a connection with them. I know all the technical skills of writing a persuasive letter, how to present the request visually, but if I don't have the "people skills" needed to make it happen then paraphrasing a passage from the Bible, I'm a clanging gong or loud cymbal."

Can any of this change? Can I become learn now behavior that can make me more social and someone that doesn't make people uncomfortable. The study which started this off would say that people need to be more accepting of the other ways people present themselves socially. Is that going to happen? I don't know. What I do know is that the study seems to say that even before I go into that interview,or meet that new friend, people have already scanned me and made a decision.

I think at the end of the day, all I can do is try. That's frustrating and it will not improve my situation. I guess you have to learn how to deal with rejection and learn how to move on.

As church was finishing up today, I felt a sense of frustration kick up again.  I’ve been blessed to be the pastor at First Christian for over six years. It’s been a good few years, but there is always a frustration: we haven’t really grown in numbers over the years. People come to the church, and more often than not, they say they want to start coming on a regular basis.  

And then they never come back.

The most recent was a family that was showing up.  The father said positive things about the church, but they haven’t returned since the spring.  I keep wondering what have I done wrong.  Did I say or do the wrong thing? Is it the size of the church that scares people away?  

I keep feeling that this is all my fault.  Other pastors are able to get people to visit their churches, and I wonder why that doesn’t happen to me.

My technical mind thinks I need to do something.  A better website, become open and affirming, get a good sign outside.  But that’s not why people come to church. 

People from the neighborhood don’t come.  Is it because we are diverse?  Are they weirded out by an African American pastor? 

Maybe at the end of the day it doesn’t matter.  But it’s hard not to think I’m doing something wrong or that I’m cursed or something.

I would like to see this church grow.  How does that happen?  Some will say leave it up to God and others will say it is all about how the church welcomes people.  Which is the right one?

All I can do is pray to God and hope that God will speak to me in someway.  

I miss writing.

That's not totally true.  It's not that I don't write anymore, but somewhere along the way writing stopped being fun.  I can remember back a decade ago when I could easily sit down and write some smart take on the news of the day or something that was bothering me about church.  I got excited writing about anything and felt empowered when I put hand to laptop.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point in the last few years, I ended up losing the will to write.  I still wrote things and they were they've been pretty good examples of my work.  But I've learned over the years that people can steal your voice.  For whatever reason, people can come and attack you damaging your spirit in the process.  You kind of need that spirit to really write.  It's something you have to learn to protect your spirit from the people in life that want to use fear to keep you from expressing yourself.  

I didn't do that.  I didn't do it, because like many folk on the autism spectrum, I tend to have a more innocent view of people.  I want to believe that people are good and don't want to do things to hurt me.  But the fact is, there are people that see vulnerable people like myself and bully them into submission.  It happened so many times, that I became shellshocked.  I was afraid that whatever I wrote was going to be attacked in the most emotionally damaging way possible. 

When you get beat up like that so many times, it becomes harder and harder to write, because you end up second-guessing your words.  How can I write in a way that won't get the bully to hurt me again? Writing stops being this way to express yourself and more of a chore.  You end up where I'm at now, just not feeling excited about writing anymore.  

Part of me feels I should just snap out of it.  One person should not be able to inflict such damage to ones soul.  But I know that a damaged "heart" is a real thing.  

I want to recapture that lost spirit.  I want heal and be able to allow my mind to think of new thoughts without wondering who I'm going to piss off today. 

I think it will happen in time.  I don't need to force this, it will happen.  Just being able to write this helps.  

"What’s happening with Sears is a microcosm of what people think is happening in America. It is harder and harder to maintain a middle-class life, while those who are blessed with riches, tend to find ways to risk other people’s lives. They want the glory as long as they escape the cross."

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I’ve had this problem for years, but never really thought about it until now.  

The problem is I have trouble reading.  It’s not that I can’t read, I can do that rather well.  But when it comes to reading books or articles, it can become a chore.  The words start to lose any sense of meaning and I tend to not comprehend the reading.  The other thing that can happen is that I lose focus on reading.  Even if the book has my attention, I get antsy and can focus.  So I end up reading for no more than a half hour. This happens on a spectrum; some books are easier to read than others.  More modern books tend to be a little bit easier to consume, but the older the book and the more “thick” the book is, the harder it is to read. For example, when I was in seminary, you have to read a  bunch of theologians. I was excited to be reading these books, but most of them were hard reads.  Theologians like Barth and Tillich were a bit easier to read, but others like Friedrich Schleiermacher, were just impossible to read and comprehend.

I’ve been wondering if there is a link between being on the autism spectrum, which I am, and reading.  I’ve tried to find anything online about reading and autism, but there is very little information.  I did find this abstract from the National Institutes on Health that is somewhat helpful.  I’ve wondered if I’m dyslexic, but I’m not sure.  What I do know is that it can be frustrating to hear someone say they read something from the Federalist Papers and I want to read it, but I know that it will be nigh unto impossible for me to read.

What I would love is to find ways that would help me to read and comprehend.  As hard as it is, I love to read. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them.

I’m turning 50 this year and that has led me to start thinking about my life so far. One of things I’m thinking about is employment, more specifically, how tenuous employment has been in my life.  More than once, I have been laid off from a job.  I had a side job last summer where I was let go and wasn’t given a heads up that this was happening. I had no time to plan. I have work right now (two part-time jobs), but I am in need of finding some freelance work in order to make ends meet and that has been difficult. Finding work has always been difficult for me.  I sometimes wonder if it’s me. What I do know is that more often than not, I’ve felt like my work, my talents were disposable. 

About three years ago, I wrote something about my feelings about race and employment.  I don’t always want to think that everything is about race and I don’t want to become bitter, holding on to some excuse. 

I’m sharing this article here for people to read.  I pray that in the future I can be able to see myself as having agency.

Today was a hard day emotionally for me.  Something good that happened to someone triggered a feeling of shame.  This person had not always treated me well and did things that made me feel ashamed. 

In the 10-plus years that I have been aware of being autistic, I’ve learned how much people with autism deal with shame.  Now there is a difference between guilt and shame.  Luna Lindsey describes the difference between the two:

The first is that shame is related to your social position, while guilt is a personal feeling. That is, shame requires your sense of relation to others – you have done something and others are exerting pressure on you to stop. OR, if they don’t know what you’ve done, you are afraid they will find out because if they did, they would exert pressure on you. Whereas guilt is the knowledge that you’ve done something wrong, and you feel remorse and a desire to correct the behavior regardless of whether anyone else knows about it.
The second difference is perhaps the most enlightening. Guilt is about what you have done; shame is about who you are. Guilt is, “I have done something bad”. Shame is “I am bad”.

That is what I’ve been dealing with today: the feeling not that I’ve done something bad, but that I am bad.  I can put myself back at this very traumatic event and remember hearing the cutting words that made me feel that I am this horrible person.  Whenever I get this feeling, all I want someone to do is tell me that I’m good.

Having Aspergers or Autism, makes these feelings even stronger, especially because of the problems with social interactions. Here’s Lindsey again:

Putting in the effort to avoid these mistakes only works for so long. Because I have Asperger’s. I will miss social cues. Sometimes, everyone misses the social cues, but I have had a lifetime of doing so.
What may be the even more important distinction, I don’t have the skills to recover from social mistakes. I can’t gracefully apologize or flatter or smile my way out of trouble. I’m usually still stuck on Step 1: flabbergasted, trying to understand where I went wrong.
For those of us on the spectrum, this is normal. We live life in the face of continual negative social feedback and the constant making of incomprehensible mistakes. And it is here where the dangers of shame lurk. Where no matter how many times I tell myself how wonderful and likable and lovable I am, I still find myself on those dark nights hating myself. Because I’d done it again.
It is very easy to feel like nothing I do will improve my ability to be acceptable. After trying so hard and making so many mistakes, eventually I can’t help but think of myself as intrinsically broken.
This topic is particularly important. I hope healing professionals and researchers will look into it on a scientific level and counsel their ASD clients accordingly. But it’s possible they won’t for a long time. 

What I have to do is remember all the good things I have done and as a Christian, knowing my worth in the eyes of God.  I also know it is time to start seeing a therapist again. 

This will pass, but for a time it will hurt like hell.

I wanted to write a post that shared all of the posts I’ve written so far about the downfall of Sears and KMart. Long story short, Sears is not crumbling because of Amazon, but because of one man, Eddie Lampert the former CEO, and his decisions which put the company in bankruptcy and at the edge of liquidation.

I’m planning on writing something about Sears and how Lampert has to deal with the Pension Benefit Guarantee Corporation and their fear that Lampert will leave many employees with no pensions. He has also managed to become an issue in the 2020 Presidential campaign.

Below are the stories so far:

Why Amazon Should Buy Sears (January 2019)

Can Sears and Kmart Come Back from the (Near) Dead? (October 2018)

Death Without Dignity: The End of Kmart (April 2017)

With all the talk about raising taxes on the rich, there is this poll from Fox News that says that even a fair amount of Republicans support raising taxes on the rich. Jerry Taylor of the Niskanen Center talks about how to connect this belief with the GOP establishment, which according to the Washington Post story on this, is only interested in listening to more economically conservative lobbyists that want tax cuts.

I'm a bit skeptical about this. If the base was wanting taxes on the rich, for some reason, I'd think we would hear more from the base demanding it.

I tend to think taxes should be raised especially on the rich, but if we are going to fund things like health care and other government programs, you are going to have to widen the tax base. Simply taxing the super-rich isn't enough. I would rather support something closer to how people are taxed in Scandinavian countries where the taxes are high, but also somewhat flatter and more broad.  

With all the talk about raising taxes on the rich, there is this poll from Fox News that says that even a fair amount of Republicans support raising taxes on the rich.  Jerry Taylor of the Niskanen Center talks about how to connect this belief with the GOP establishment, which according to the Washington Post story on this, is only interested in listening to more economically conservative lobbyists that want tax cuts.

I'm a bit skeptical about this.  If the base was wanting taxes on the rich, for some reason, I'd think we would hear more from the base demanding it.  

I tend to think taxes should be raised especially on the rich, but if we are going to fund things like health care and other government programs, you are going to have to widen the tax base.  Simply taxing the super-rich isn't enough.  I would rather support something closer to how people are taxed in Scandinavian countries where the taxes are high, but also somewhat flatter and more broad.