It’s funny how a number mean so much.

Ever since I turned 50 last October, I’ve been wondering if I am where I should be.  What I mean is, am I doing serious work for serious pay?  Am I even acting like a serious adult?

I’ve been dealing with those questions a lot over the last few months, but they went into overdrive after my most recent loss of a job in June.  When you are let go of a job, and that has happened to me a lot, you deal with a lot of guilt.  I know that my ADHD has something to do with my tumultuous career, but I think I should have tried harder.  In the past, I used to think it was all about trying harder. But that’s not going to change things. 

But when you have a neurological disability AND you’re fifty, you start to wonder if it’s time to try something new.

Now, I should add, I love the other part of my career, that of being a pastor.  It’s not always easy, but I love what I do in that arena.  But the pay right now isn’t enough to pay my way.  I also want to do more than the pastor gig.

Usually, when I’ve lost a job, I’m looking at the job boards.  I’ve focused mostly on nonprofits to find a position.  But when you’re neurodiverse, working at a nonprofit is not always the best environment to be in.  They don’t have the time or patience to work with you, and sometimes they don’t have the space to allow you to be creative.  None of this is to say nonprofits are bad or the ones where I worked were bad.  They just weren’t places where I could grow, or grow in my own way. Friends have given me job leads at nonprofits, but I haven’t been that interested. I’ve been burned too many times and I just don’t want to deal with the drama anymore.

I’ve started to toy with looking for work sideways.  Instead of looking for a job and sending in a resume, I’m looking at more freelance positions and I’m interested in positions and opportunities that are off the beaten path.  I have enough communication skills to be able to hire myself out.  I can write, I’m good with graphics and these last few months of online worship, sharpened my video editing skills.

I could see myself doing some freelancing, writing about politics or religion, or maybe cars.  I could also work on websites and social media strategy.  I’ve been interested in working on a team that produces a podcast or even create a podcast or YouTube Channel. Or maybe start my own YouTube Channel

The challenge is trying to start.  Most people say I have to do a lot of networking, which to be honest I really, hate.  I know it is needed, but it feels fake to me.  I also have to learn how to be a salesperson, which is also something I don’t like. I will have to learn how to do both in a way that I can tolerate. I’ve started doing this, but so far it hasn’t been that successful. I guess it takes time. I’ve been doing some communication work filling in for someone at a local church and I really like it. I would love to do that at another church, if that is possible. But I am open to other experiences if it feeds my soul. Because that’s what I want to do now. I’m tired of just taking a job and hope for the best. The best hasn’t happened yet. I usually get treated like shit.

So turning 50 (which is now 51) might mean doing something new. Heck, I might find a “regular” job but find it in a different way.

If you know of any avenues I should give a look-see, please let me know.  Advice helps as well. You can send me an email at dennis.sanders@ gmail.com or just respond to this message. Off to find a new adventure.

I've had an interest in writing/journalism since I was about 11 and started my own class newspaper in 6th grade. I love writing.  It's been the way that I process the world. For a guy on the autism spectrum, writing is heaven.  

But writing hasn't always loved me back.

Actually it isn't writing that hasn't loved me back, it's people. Most people are able to get into writing/journalism/communications through the help of others.  Someone allows them to get into the field and they grow from there. 

But I didn't really have an advocate or mentor.  I had to make my own way-picking up whatever scraps to get into some writing.  Maybe it's because I'm African American, maybe it was being on the spectrum, maybe it was both or neither, but for whatever reason, I've always felt locked out of the job market.In college, I wanted to get involved with the college newspaper.  There were openings for copywriters and I thought this was my chance.  I went to the offices and ended up talking to the publisher.  Even though I knew a friend got a job there, they told me there were no jobs.  This didn't happen just once, but twice.  The second time another friend got a copywriting position and said they were looking for people.  But they weren't looking for me.

That was over 30 years ago.  In the proceeding three decades, I've learned to set aside my dreams to be a journalist, because it seemed all the time that there was always a barrier that kept me out.  I didn't totally give up writing, though.  I started blogging and people love my blogging, but it hasn't gone farther than that.  I've tried submitting blog articles mostly on politics and more often than not, they are rejected.  Other writers get their stories published on known websites and their writing is not always any better than mine.  

I've worked in nonprofits doing communications, but I've learned how often nonprofits tend to be places where you have to fit a certain way of doing things.  Being neurodiverse, it is hard for me to try to "fit in."  Past experiences have made me think to be successful in what I enjoy, I have to learn to fit it to learn to be normal.  You see, I've never been that normal.  I've always been odd. Not crazy, just odd. The thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I'm not normal. I am weird.  Most people have never accepted my quirks and weirdness.  Most businesses and nonprofits don't want weird or odd, they want normal.  

Even when I got my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, I still wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be like everyone else.   I kept failing in job after job, because I needed to be normal. 

F*** normal.

At the age of 50 and after a painful firing, I've come to the conclusion that I won't ever be normal, so why keep trying?  I'm a weird writer and that's okay.  I never going to be a "normal" writer, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good writer who just happens to be odd. For a long time, I've felt I've had to enter into the front door for writers.  But being odd, kinda like a clown, I have to enter by the side door.  I've been writing on Medium for a while and made a little money from it.  I'm starting to wonder if I can strike out on my own, doing stories on Medium and maybe later for other publications. I'm also looking into starting other publications to get my writing out.  I will find ways to get paid, but the big thing is that I've stopped trying to be normal and enter in the front door.  Time put on my clown nose and go into the side door.