I need to apologize. Some of you have said hi to me and I didn’t respond. For some reason, I was never alerted when you responded, so I am sorry. I wasn’t trying to blow you off.

It’s funny how a number mean so much.

Ever since I turned 50 last October, I’ve been wondering if I am where I should be.  What I mean is, am I doing serious work for serious pay?  Am I even acting like a serious adult?

I’ve been dealing with those questions a lot over the last few months, but they went into overdrive after my most recent loss of a job in June.  When you are let go of a job, and that has happened to me a lot, you deal with a lot of guilt.  I know that my ADHD has something to do with my tumultuous career, but I think I should have tried harder.  In the past, I used to think it was all about trying harder. But that’s not going to change things. 

But when you have a neurological disability AND you’re fifty, you start to wonder if it’s time to try something new.

Now, I should add, I love the other part of my career, that of being a pastor.  It’s not always easy, but I love what I do in that arena.  But the pay right now isn’t enough to pay my way.  I also want to do more than the pastor gig.

Usually, when I’ve lost a job, I’m looking at the job boards.  I’ve focused mostly on nonprofits to find a position.  But when you’re neurodiverse, working at a nonprofit is not always the best environment to be in.  They don’t have the time or patience to work with you, and sometimes they don’t have the space to allow you to be creative.  None of this is to say nonprofits are bad or the ones where I worked were bad.  They just weren’t places where I could grow, or grow in my own way. Friends have given me job leads at nonprofits, but I haven’t been that interested. I’ve been burned too many times and I just don’t want to deal with the drama anymore.

I’ve started to toy with looking for work sideways.  Instead of looking for a job and sending in a resume, I’m looking at more freelance positions and I’m interested in positions and opportunities that are off the beaten path.  I have enough communication skills to be able to hire myself out.  I can write, I’m good with graphics and these last few months of online worship, sharpened my video editing skills.

I could see myself doing some freelancing, writing about politics or religion, or maybe cars.  I could also work on websites and social media strategy.  I’ve been interested in working on a team that produces a podcast or even create a podcast or YouTube Channel. Or maybe start my own YouTube Channel

The challenge is trying to start.  Most people say I have to do a lot of networking, which to be honest I really, hate.  I know it is needed, but it feels fake to me.  I also have to learn how to be a salesperson, which is also something I don’t like. I will have to learn how to do both in a way that I can tolerate. I’ve started doing this, but so far it hasn’t been that successful. I guess it takes time. I’ve been doing some communication work filling in for someone at a local church and I really like it. I would love to do that at another church, if that is possible. But I am open to other experiences if it feeds my soul. Because that’s what I want to do now. I’m tired of just taking a job and hope for the best. The best hasn’t happened yet. I usually get treated like shit.

So turning 50 (which is now 51) might mean doing something new. Heck, I might find a “regular” job but find it in a different way.

If you know of any avenues I should give a look-see, please let me know.  Advice helps as well. You can send me an email at dennis.sanders@ gmail.com or just respond to this message. Off to find a new adventure.

I've had an interest in writing/journalism since I was about 11 and started my own class newspaper in 6th grade. I love writing.  It's been the way that I process the world. For a guy on the autism spectrum, writing is heaven.  

But writing hasn't always loved me back.

Actually it isn't writing that hasn't loved me back, it's people. Most people are able to get into writing/journalism/communications through the help of others.  Someone allows them to get into the field and they grow from there. 

But I didn't really have an advocate or mentor.  I had to make my own way-picking up whatever scraps to get into some writing.  Maybe it's because I'm African American, maybe it was being on the spectrum, maybe it was both or neither, but for whatever reason, I've always felt locked out of the job market.In college, I wanted to get involved with the college newspaper.  There were openings for copywriters and I thought this was my chance.  I went to the offices and ended up talking to the publisher.  Even though I knew a friend got a job there, they told me there were no jobs.  This didn't happen just once, but twice.  The second time another friend got a copywriting position and said they were looking for people.  But they weren't looking for me.

That was over 30 years ago.  In the proceeding three decades, I've learned to set aside my dreams to be a journalist, because it seemed all the time that there was always a barrier that kept me out.  I didn't totally give up writing, though.  I started blogging and people love my blogging, but it hasn't gone farther than that.  I've tried submitting blog articles mostly on politics and more often than not, they are rejected.  Other writers get their stories published on known websites and their writing is not always any better than mine.  

I've worked in nonprofits doing communications, but I've learned how often nonprofits tend to be places where you have to fit a certain way of doing things.  Being neurodiverse, it is hard for me to try to "fit in."  Past experiences have made me think to be successful in what I enjoy, I have to learn to fit it to learn to be normal.  You see, I've never been that normal.  I've always been odd. Not crazy, just odd. The thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I'm not normal. I am weird.  Most people have never accepted my quirks and weirdness.  Most businesses and nonprofits don't want weird or odd, they want normal.  

Even when I got my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, I still wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be like everyone else.   I kept failing in job after job, because I needed to be normal. 

F*** normal.

At the age of 50 and after a painful firing, I've come to the conclusion that I won't ever be normal, so why keep trying?  I'm a weird writer and that's okay.  I never going to be a "normal" writer, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good writer who just happens to be odd. For a long time, I've felt I've had to enter into the front door for writers.  But being odd, kinda like a clown, I have to enter by the side door.  I've been writing on Medium for a while and made a little money from it.  I'm starting to wonder if I can strike out on my own, doing stories on Medium and maybe later for other publications. I'm also looking into starting other publications to get my writing out.  I will find ways to get paid, but the big thing is that I've stopped trying to be normal and enter in the front door.  Time put on my clown nose and go into the side door.  

Usually, when I’ve lost a job, I’m looking at the job boards. I’ve focused mostly on nonprofits to find a position. But when you’re on the spectrum, working at a nonprofit is not always the best environment to be in. They don’t have the time or patience to work with you, and sometimes they don’t have the space to allow you to be creative. None of this is to say nonprofits are bad or the ones where I worked were bad. They just weren’t places where I could grow, or grow in my own way.

A recent musing I had.  I’m looking for work (again). For those who live in the Twin Cities (Minnesota) if you know of someone in need of a writer or media specialist, please let me know by emailing me at dennis.sanders@gmail.com. Thanks.

March 11, 2020. That was when the world changed.

I was heading home from church after leading a Bible Study. I pulled the car into the garage when I felt my watch. That meant the watch was trying to tell me something. I looked and that’s when everything changed. A news alert from the Washington Post said that the NBA’s season was going to be suspended because a player on the Utah Jazz tested positive for COVID-19.

Maybe you had a different moment, but it all boils down to the belief that life had changed. We hit an inflection point that split the world between before and after. Just like September 11th, or the assassination of John F. Kennedy, we know this is a moment when everything changes.

Keep reading…

Suffering, the book of Job and the death of Neil Peart.

One of my most memorable experiences in seminary was taking a class on the book of Job. That book has always fascinated me in the fact that Job loses so much in what seems like a short period. He loses his fortune and more tragically, he loses his children and his health. His friends came by and they all have a debate on why all of this was happening. Did he do something wrong? Where was God in all of this? Why did this happen?

There was a tragic sense of irony in that the professor who taught us had to deal with the death of his wife after a long illness during the class. As we were learning about Job’s questioning, the professor had to face his own tragedy as well.

I’ve been thinking about the “hows and whys” we all deal with in our lives. Why did he get cancer? Why did she die? Why did they lose their baby? We can’t help but ask why tragedies happen and no matter what, we wonder why bad things happen to you and the people close to you.

Read more…

It has been sometime since I wrote something on autism/aspergers, partially because I didn't have anything I wanted to write. But I stumbled accross an article on Facebook that reminds me of the situation that I face on daily basis.

It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. When I got the diagnosis, I was relieved. It was something I could hang all of the difficulties I faced as an adult in relationships and employment. I was hoping that I could explain to my employers what was happening with me and that they would understand.

Boy was I wrong.

The problem with having High Functioning Autism is that you don't look like you have autism. I can "pass" well enough for people to think I don't really have any issues. But that's not true. A recent article on the challenges those of us with High Functioning Autism face explains:

If the media is to believed, the high end of the autism spectrum is peopled largely by eccentric geniuses—Bill Gates and Albert Einstein are often mentioned, along with Dan Aykroyd and Daryl Hannah—who by and large do very well indeed, though they march to the beat of their own drummer. The reality, however, is that "high functioning autistic" and "genius," "business tycoon," and "Hollywood star" rarely go together...They may also have significant challenges which stand in the way of living a comfortable life, succeeding in work or romance, or achieving a sense of self-worth. Those issues are made more challenging, in part, because they surprise and upset others who don't anticipate odd behaviors or reactions from people who "pass for normal" in many situations...

While people with more severe autism are not generally expected to just suck it up and get through difficult moments, people on the higher end of the spectrum are expected to do just that...

Lastly, people with high functioning autism are, in general, very aware of their own difficulties and extremely sensitive to others' negative reactions.

I've experienced this situation over and over. I can work to try to fix my mistakes, I can go over and above to show that I can do my work well and at the end of the day, it is not enough. I am told things that sometimes cut to the heart, even though you know that you've tried to be the best worker in spite of my shortcomings. But you have to suck it up and try to function even though you've been shamed and told that you aren't a good worker. The thing is, you can try as hard as you can and at the end of the day, it. is. not. enough.

You have to suck it up, because you don't look autistic. Which means that people don't take your autism to account. Instead you are looked at like a giant f**kup.

And when your high functioning autism isn't taken seriously, it affects you in future situations. Work becomes a place where you are waiting for someone to point out a mistake you made and then, you overreact, fearing that it's all downhill from here. You end up not trusting people, because you fear them- you fear they will judge you and that your job will be in jeporady.

So, work becomes a minefield, one that can become of your own making.

What I would like to see from people at work not just for me, but for anyone with high functioning autism is to stop assuming things. As Ashlea McKay notes:

Don’t think because I’m a successful adult female that communicates verbally that my existence is ‘mild’ or that I ‘don’t seem that autistic’ to you. That is insulting to both me and every other autistic person on the planet. I know you’re just trying to understand and have probably heard a number of things about autism over the years, but instead of assuming what it means to be autistic, just ask.

If someone tells you they are autistic, ask a damn question as to how you can help them be the best employee. Don't assume. Don't just automatically go to belittling them. Sometimes people are just not good employees, but sometimes we just need help and encouragement.

One thing that I am learning over time is that I need to be willing to advocate for myself. Simply telling folk isn't enough. At times I might need to politely push back. Because I think sometimes people don't understand things unless they are hit metaphorically by a 2x4.

So, when an employee tells you that they are autistic, talk to them. Learn all you can about autism and how to be a good manager to them. Just because they appear "normal"doesn't mean you can treat them as normal.