Writing

Clowns at the Side Door

I've had an interest in writing/journalism since I was about 11 and started my own class newspaper in 6th grade. I love writing.  It's been the way that I process the world. For a guy on the autism spectrum, writing is heaven.  

But writing hasn't always loved me back.

Actually it isn't writing that hasn't loved me back, it's people. Most people are able to get into writing/journalism/communications through the help of others.  Someone allows them to get into the field and they grow from there. 

But I didn't really have an advocate or mentor.  I had to make my own way-picking up whatever scraps to get into some writing.  Maybe it's because I'm African American, maybe it was being on the spectrum, maybe it was both or neither, but for whatever reason, I've always felt locked out of the job market.In college, I wanted to get involved with the college newspaper.  There were openings for copywriters and I thought this was my chance.  I went to the offices and ended up talking to the publisher.  Even though I knew a friend got a job there, they told me there were no jobs.  This didn't happen just once, but twice.  The second time another friend got a copywriting position and said they were looking for people.  But they weren't looking for me.

That was over 30 years ago.  In the proceeding three decades, I've learned to set aside my dreams to be a journalist, because it seemed all the time that there was always a barrier that kept me out.  I didn't totally give up writing, though.  I started blogging and people love my blogging, but it hasn't gone farther than that.  I've tried submitting blog articles mostly on politics and more often than not, they are rejected.  Other writers get their stories published on known websites and their writing is not always any better than mine.  

I've worked in nonprofits doing communications, but I've learned how often nonprofits tend to be places where you have to fit a certain way of doing things.  Being neurodiverse, it is hard for me to try to "fit in."  Past experiences have made me think to be successful in what I enjoy, I have to learn to fit it to learn to be normal.  You see, I've never been that normal.  I've always been odd. Not crazy, just odd. The thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I'm not normal. I am weird.  Most people have never accepted my quirks and weirdness.  Most businesses and nonprofits don't want weird or odd, they want normal.  

Even when I got my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, I still wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be like everyone else.   I kept failing in job after job, because I needed to be normal. 

F*** normal.

At the age of 50 and after a painful firing, I've come to the conclusion that I won't ever be normal, so why keep trying?  I'm a weird writer and that's okay.  I never going to be a "normal" writer, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good writer who just happens to be odd. For a long time, I've felt I've had to enter into the front door for writers.  But being odd, kinda like a clown, I have to enter by the side door.  I've been writing on Medium for a while and made a little money from it.  I'm starting to wonder if I can strike out on my own, doing stories on Medium and maybe later for other publications. I'm also looking into starting other publications to get my writing out.  I will find ways to get paid, but the big thing is that I've stopped trying to be normal and enter in the front door.  Time put on my clown nose and go into the side door.  

Writer's Phobia

I miss writing.

That's not totally true.  It's not that I don't write anymore, but somewhere along the way writing stopped being fun.  I can remember back a decade ago when I could easily sit down and write some smart take on the news of the day or something that was bothering me about church.  I got excited writing about anything and felt empowered when I put hand to laptop.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point in the last few years, I ended up losing the will to write.  I still wrote things and they were they've been pretty good examples of my work.  But I've learned over the years that people can steal your voice.  For whatever reason, people can come and attack you damaging your spirit in the process.  You kind of need that spirit to really write.  It's something you have to learn to protect your spirit from the people in life that want to use fear to keep you from expressing yourself.  

I didn't do that.  I didn't do it, because like many folk on the autism spectrum, I tend to have a more innocent view of people.  I want to believe that people are good and don't want to do things to hurt me.  But the fact is, there are people that see vulnerable people like myself and bully them into submission.  It happened so many times, that I became shellshocked.  I was afraid that whatever I wrote was going to be attacked in the most emotionally damaging way possible. 

When you get beat up like that so many times, it becomes harder and harder to write, because you end up second-guessing your words.  How can I write in a way that won't get the bully to hurt me again? Writing stops being this way to express yourself and more of a chore.  You end up where I'm at now, just not feeling excited about writing anymore.  

Part of me feels I should just snap out of it.  One person should not be able to inflict such damage to ones soul.  But I know that a damaged "heart" is a real thing.  

I want to recapture that lost spirit.  I want heal and be able to allow my mind to think of new thoughts without wondering who I'm going to piss off today. 

I think it will happen in time.  I don't need to force this, it will happen.  Just being able to write this helps.